Resolution of Crisis of Psychosocial Development

I believe that I have done better at resolving the crisis of psychosocial development better in some areas of my life than in other areas. I am discovering that there are areas in my life that, consciously or unconsciously, I have buried alive rather than resolving them and they work their way to the surface from time to time, usually unexpectedly.

Trust vs. Mistrust

I believe that for the most part I have resolved this area in my life fairly well. I tend to trust people until I am given reason to not trust them. I have to admit that it takes quite a long time for me to again trust someone who has broken my trust. I am still learning to apply I Corinthians 13 in how I view others but for the most part I do trust my environment and the people with whom I come into contact.

Part of becoming a good leader is being trustworthy. Kouzes and Posner (2007) note that the four characteristics people look for in a leader are “honesty, forward-looking, inspiring, and competent” (p. 29). Honesty is consistently the number one characteristic people look for in a leader. People want to know where the person who is the leader stands when it comes to personal beliefs, values and ethics.

Autonomy vs. Shame

In reflecting on this stage I believe that this was a high struggle for me. In looking back on my life I think I was probably given a little too much autonomy as a young child and it encouraged me to be self-centered. Learning to follow the teachings of Jesus about keeping the concerns and needs of others in the forefront (servant leadership) was a struggle for me and I find myself still falling into the me-first trap from time to time.

Making the decision to follow Christ and all that that entails including surrender to His will and a desire to emulate Him has helped immensely. The times that I attempt to be autonomous from Him are the times I find myself beginning to focus on my needs and desires over those of those around me.

Willard (2002) points out that “spiritual formation in Christ is an orderly process…we must humble ourselves to accept the ways He has chosen to work with us” (p. 10). By doing se we can begin to see the old self removed and replaced by a new self. Simply put, “we live from our heart” (p. 13).

Initiative vs. Guilt

This is one stage that was not difficult for me. I have a very active imagination and enjoy taking initiative. It is just a part of my personality. I have always greatly enjoyed social interaction and working with others. I do not enjoy solitary tasks much at all. I am much more comfortable in a collaborative, noisy environment.

This may play a part in the fact that I would much rather have verbal interactions with another person than to write a letter. I think I would have very much enjoyed a school setting where there was an abundance of verbal give and take rather than a lot of writing. That being said, the discipline of writing has been a tremendous assistance to me in developing better self discipline in other areas of my life.

Industry vs. Inferiority

This was a far more difficult stage for me than was the previous stage. I have struggled my whole life with being self-disciplined. It is something that I constantly have to be working on to improve. As a “school age” child, I was able to achieve good grades without having to discipline myself by doing homework. I learned how to find the loopholes in assignments and complete them via the use of shortcuts.

This carried over through my undergraduate work. I never wrote a paper in college. I would search the course syllabus until I found a way to avoid writing the assigned paper and still pass the course. Admittedly, my grades at the college level were significantly lower than my high school grades but I simply wanted to “earn” my degree without having to discipline myself to study.

As I entered the workforce I quickly discovered that my level of self discipline had to improve dramatically or I would never be able to move beyond a very basic entry level position. I began the very painful process of disciplining myself and while I am still not nearly as disciplined as I would like I have come a long way. A doctorate program would never have even been something I would have dreamed about without having achieved some level of discipline in my life.

Identity vs. Role Confusion

This is without question the stage that has caused me the most pain. I was sexually abused by a cousin who is 15 years older than me from the time I was 13 until I turned 18. I have really struggled with knowing who I am, even in Christ, as a result. I finally came to the realization a few years ago that I would struggle with this until I could forgive my cousin even if he never asked for forgiveness. When I finally was able to do that with the help of the Holy Spirit, things in this stage changed for the better. Willard (2002) classifies this as a function of the Will. It was my choice to make whether or not to forgive albeit one that was difficult and did not come quickly.

Another struggle was that I come from a family who does not express their emotions very well. I was in my forties when I heard my mother say that she loved me for the first time that I can remember. I resolved to tell my children every day that I loved them and to hug them at every opportunity. My wife has been of great assistance to me because she is a very “huggy” person.

Intimacy vs. Isolation

This has also been a stage of great struggle for me. In large part as a result of what happened in the previous stage I built a wall around my innermost self. I refused to let anyone get truly close to me. I walled off my emotions and became very emotionally detached. This was also true of my relationship with my wife. It has really only been in the past few years that I been able to begin to tear down some of those walls. It is truly a work in progress.

Langberg (1999) states that “to be a survivor is to rise above the difficulty, to move on in spite of pain, to defy the odds. On the other hand, it means living a life that has been profoundly affected by an atrocity. You develop certain thinking patterns to live with the abuse…The fact that you are a survivor also means that unless you face the horror of the abuse and its resulting lies and strategies for living, your life will continue to be directed by that which you most fear and hate” (pp. 19-20). This, for me, underscores the importance of forgiving in order to escape the temptation to fulfill the role of the victim. To be a great leader I must look at myself as a survivor, no longer a victim but an over comer.

Generativity vs. Stagnation

This is probably the stage I am currently in at this point in my life. I love this stage. I love being in a position to help others as well as being able to watch my children as they move into adulthood. I have made two career changes in the past seven years but they have clearly been a part of God’s plan for my life. I envision the rest of my life as being the most generative years I have ever experienced. I look forward to seeing what doors open as I complete my doctoral studies, believing that this is a part of a larger plan for my life.

Integrity vs. Despair

This is a stage that I have not had a lot of experience with but I do know that I want to live my life in such a way that when I come down to the end of my life that even though I may feel some despair over how little I may have accomplished that there will be those who can say in all honesty to me that what I have accomplished matters.

Reflections on My Baggage

The pros of knowing my baggage is that it allows me the opportunity to confront it and to begin to deal with it. Knowing my baggage also helps me to understand why I act and react the way I do to certain situations in my life. The cons would be that it can be very painful confronting our baggage.

I do not believe that I can be an authentic leader without knowing my baggage because I will not be able to be transparent with those who follow me. If I do not become aware of what causes me to think and act the way that I do than I cannot be authentic in my leadership. I will not even be leading myself.

I see a couple of different ways that we can become aware of our baggage. One is to take the time to reflect on why I react the way I do to certain stimuli. Another is to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal our innermost being to us. We can also ask those who are close to us for their observation. Finally, we can seek Christian counseling to help us in uncovering our baggage.

I have been drive through the first few weeks of this program to be much more reflective and to spend time thinking about why I do the things I do on a daily basis. I have not always been comfortable with my conclusions but my goal is to confront the baggage that I uncover through reflection. I have become more sincere in asking the Holy Spirit to reveal my heart to me. My desire is that He would reveal myself to me and help me to confront those things that might be wrong. I am also asking those close to me to speak the truth in love to me when they observe baggage in my life.

How Arrows Shape Our Stories

The arrows that pierce our heart during our lives very much affect how we view the world. (Curtis & Eldredge, 1997). Each time an arrow strikes our heart it colors how we perceive our environment. Sometimes the arrows strike us with great and immediate impact. Other arrows are cumulative in their affect on us.

I am becoming increasingly convinced that if we do not deal with the pain of our arrows than we cannot experience healing from the pain they bring. We must identify what produced the arrows and decide how we are going to deal with the cause. We can attempt to hide the pain or we can decide to face the arrows and deal with the root causes.

Curtis and Eldredge (1997) point out that we can “either deaden our heart or divide our life into two parts, where our outer story becomes the theater of the should and our inner story the theater of needs, the place where we quench the thirst of our heart with whatever water is available” (p. 31) when we choose not to deal with the arrows and their pain directly. Not so many years ago this perfectly described my life. The outer story was the one that everyone but me saw; the theater where everything thing seems normal. The inner story in contrast was one of complete emptiness. This has begun to change through reflection and the acknowledgement that there was a problem.

Conclusion

This may well have been the most difficult writing assignment I have ever had in my life. I have reflected for the past week and have spoken with my wife to get her input. I have to add that during this week, as a result of this reflection, I have been able to deal with an issue that I was not even aware of in our marriage. My wife, for the very first time, felt comfortable pointing out just how disengaged I have been emotionally. We cried together and prayed together and have begun to experience healing in this area.

I am not proud of how blind I have been but I am grateful that I have been given this tool to use. I know that there will be times of pain but they will be small in comparison to the healing that will take place. I know this, my faith and trust are firmly in Christ and I will be open to His searching.

As I have worked on revising this paper for portfolio submission I have reflected on the journey of the past two and a half years. I am not as far along in my journey of self awareness as I would like to be and yet there is a feeling of comfort that I have made steps in the right direction. While at times there is some residual pain from the arrows that have struck me they become increasingly faint and further apart. I rejoice in the freedom that this give me to become a truly transparent leader.

References

Curtis, B., & Eldredge, J. (1997). The sacred romance: Drawing closer to the heart of God. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Kouzes, J. M., & Posner, B. Z. (2007). The leadership challenge (4th ed.). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, Inc.

Langberg, D. M. (1999). On the threshold of hope: Opening the door to healing for survivors of sexual abuse. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Willard, D. (2002). Renovation of the heart: Putting on the character of Christ. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.